I was born with a chemical imbalance in my body. I am of very sound mind and in no way am unstable mentally.* (*Though not diagnosed, I do also regret to inform that I have a terminal case of ADD.) My deficiency instead lies within my belly. I do not have enough of the lactase enzyme necessary to properly digest. Yes - that there punctuation mark was a period. Some misnagdim (aka demisers (aka naysayers)) may interject and say that lactase is only necessary to aid in digesting dairy products containing lactose. Not the case - anything counts in the world of gran mal lactose intolerance. A cracker is the only known substance aside from Dasani water (probably because it is so pure and tasty) recorded by the Gran Mal Lactose International Network, known by its members as GraMLIN, to not instigate a negative reaction. And not even all kinds of crackers made the cut. So don't go about life thinking this is so insignificant.
Often I consume Lactaid pills to boost my lactase for digesting lactose. How many pills I need depends on the amount of dairy in a particular product and the quantity of that product I want to eat. But really, it's all a crap shoot. For an omelette that may have some melted cheese in it, I might try between one and three Lactaid pills. Risotto, try 6 to hopefully be on the safe side. Ice cream and regular, unfiltered milk are like kryptonite to me. Totally off limits. The risk is too high and the potential for an intestinal melt-down is too great. It is really too bad that one of the best things to consume is melted cheese, usually on some sort of Mexicano food.
Years of continued denial, followed by further years of Lactaid pill-popping lead my parents to strongly urge me to seek a medical examination. I went to a doctor for an intake exam and months later decided to go ahead with an endoscopy/colonoscopy.
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I was recently joking with my friend Eric, who is also a member of GraMLIN and a fellow recipient of an Endo/Colo exam, about the preparation for these lovely procedures. Raw is not something I would ever think of when describing how my ass felt. Until I drank a gallon of the nastiest powder mix known to mankind. It gave the lukewarm water a filmy coating and flavored Chicago's finest tap water with an incredible thick salty taste. Combined with the smell, this potion seemed to be a catalyst for vomiting. Although vomiting is not quite what happened. Even talking to Eric about it I started gagging as I remembered the nasty taste of the volumes of liquids I had to drink.
Sitting in a GI lab. What does "GI" stand for if not gastroenterology? Galvanized iron is a good guess, but this lab wasn't doing any military research and so wasn't correct. Maybe hospitals shied away from using GE due to the corporation's environmentally unsound practices. Or perhaps it is just Cheryl David who holds that opinion. I figured out that it actually stands for gastrointestinal and basically comprises of things related to all organs from your mouth...down to your anus. which, oddly enough, reminds me of lyrics from a song. don't ask.
On the tv set that hung unpicturesquely from the ceiling of the uncomfortably decorated waiting room were pictures I could not quite make out. It sounded like...a porno? But it turned out to be a just as poorly acted daytime soap opera. The scene was dark and the actors seemed to be trying to convey that they were digging exhaustively for something. other than sex. The episode cut to a hospital where a doctor was standing by a patient's family expressing dismal chances for their relative. This started me laughing as I thought that it was pretty much like watching Flight 93 as your in-flight movie.
My number was called and I started answering questions from a nurse-type about my daily health. She tried to distract me as the other nurse attempted to insert an IV in my right arm (read that as an intravenous needle, not a number four). The question that I find hardest to answer about my 'routine' is how much alcohol I consume. Well, some weeks I'm dry, others I have 5+ drinks a few nights in a row. What's an appropriate answer??
The procedure was totally painless. I was very calm throughout and got the best rest I had had in a long while. Afterwards, I found myself really dizzy and incredibly hungry for some rich, cheesy delights. But still am wandering without a cure...There is not any science behind how many pills will stop an aching stomach. That is why GraMLIN needs to lobby Congress for federal grant money for studies that will help solve the mystery. We are citizens too.
