Turning the pages of any magazine, there are countless models who I'd like to talk to. (Some magazines more than others...) Why? Well isn't it obvious? They are such great salespeople and represent their respective brands with such conviction and in such believable ways. I'd really like to talk to them to find out how they got to be so good at it. It's a tough business and it would be meaningful for me to have mentors and role models. Even their job title contains the word model itself! And of course their breasts and perfectly silhouetted figures speak volumes to me - but those are secondary for sure.
So basically to give you the short story of what I'm getting at...I have had neck/back pain for a bunch of years. I think it began in the early '00s. I'm not sure how it started exactly, but I do recall a particularly unpleasant episode of 'bad pain,' for lack of a better phrase. (If you do have a better phrase, please chime in.) I woke up one morning to go play tennis in Morningside Heights with my good friend Evan. Every time I swung my racket I would have such excruciating pain travel all throughout my body. I just wasn't sure what was going on. So we stopped playing a bit early; I think I might have won regardless. When I woke up that morning my neck was pretty sore and uncomfortable. After tennis, it was way worse, which by the way is not listed as a condition in the Physician's Desk Reference Handbook. I had some sort of muscle spasm and my neck's range of motion was drastically limited. I could barely move and every time I did I experienced a tremendous amount of discomfort. Adjectives aside, it sucked.
I think the root of the continuous years of neck pain can ultimately be blamed on an ex-girlfriend of mine. Not that it was her fault, unless a conspiracy about my neck was concocted, but Julie got me in the habit of sleeping with two pillows under my head. That's quite a feat, to give her due credit. This is coming from a guy who used to sleep on a pillow so thin my friends at camp would refer to it as a 'feather' or 'sheet.' Admittedly, it really didn't consist of much. But maybe it was my version of a stuffed animal or blanky that I never had. In any case, picture my neck level with my body when using the pillow I had grown accustomed to. With two over-stuffed pillows, I think my neck was crooning far beyond its intended croon capacity. And there it began.
I went to work one day and felt like Frankenstein. (As an aside, ask me to do a rendition of Phil Hartman's SNL Frankenstein character. I think I have the 'fire....baaaaad!' down pretty well.) I couldn't move and resorted to slugging around like the green monster with bolts in his neck. I felt like I had bolts, but none were present after double-checking. So I left work and went to get what I refer to as a medical massage, but really minus the medical science behind it. Yes! You guessed right - I took my first trip to a doctor of chiropractic. Perhaps my doubts about that field begin with questioning that title. It doesn't even sound like a complete word...
After a few treatments at a couple of different chiropractors in the East Village, I threw in the towel and decided I was ok. Or at least that they were not. In Chicago a few years later I ended up having another bad spasm, which led to an even worse decision. I went to a local chiropractor on the North Shore. After dropping me off for my appointment, my mom went to fill her car with gas. She was called back to the office before even getting to the gas station and arrived to see emergency personnel from the Winnetka Fire Department at my service. The 'doctor' seemed more freaked out than anyone. In the brief period when mommy left my Frankenstein'd side, the chiro managed to affix electrodes on various parts of my neck, back and chest and began the electrical stimulation of my muscles. The only thing that was stimulated was my vegas nerve (think something in the nervous system, don't think my wild side) which was affected so negatively that it rendered me unconscious. I woke up nauseous, unaware and weak in a cold sweat with this guy nervously hovering in front of me; he had put a pen in between my teeth to keep me from clenching down and biting my tongue. The paramedics loaded me up into their company-issue vehicle against my protest - after regaining my consciousness and having some water I really felt fine, aside from my neck pain. In the back of the ambulance they had their newbie recruit try to find my vein. Usually my veins are ripe for needles, but having been unconscious my blood pressure was a tad lower than usual and he was almost digging for China...or my grave, whichever came first. Uncomfortable part of my day, part two. After some tests in the ER, they said I was fine. "What about my neck pain!?" I asked eagerly. I guess only one symptom can be treated per visit.
That episode brings us to today, still experiencing frequent pain. The only thing that seems to help it is going to the gym. Back in the beginning of June I kicked off my summer festival attendance at the Belmont-Sheffield Music Fest. Wow - what a great time. Partially because of the no-notice downpour, maybe out of slight curiosity, I stopped by to visit a chiropractic booth and signed up for some stupid deal to pay them $20 for a consultation, x-rays and a post-x-ray consultation and summary. I don't know why. Well it's actually a great deal. But so is bridge jumping for only $5. Today was the follow-up consultation, after putting it off for over a month. Clarification: the doctor canceled on me previously without notice - as in when I arrived to the appointment. I told the receptionist that I have a 24-hour notice required or there is a $50 cancellation fee. Since he said that they don't do that for their patients, I decided to be courteous and waived mine as well.
After relaying the above story about being knocked out, he said that I might have been knocked out regardless even without the muscle stim. Riiiiight. Like just by walking my Frankenstein'd self down the street and going my merry way I might have fallen unconscious. I felt like I was arguing with a girlfriend and there was no concern for reality and everything was based on theoreticals. He slyly added that, though he could definitely understand not wanting to proceed, since I was only unconscious once from this treatment I should probably do it again because it wouldn't happen again. I wish I could have just broken up with him right then and there. What b.s.
He went on to explain a chart in his office that I read while waiting. After hearing about how the curvature of my spine is not good and that there is deterioration on several of my vertebrae and discs, I knew I needed a second opinion. Truthfully, I was hesitant from the get-go and plan to consult with a few medical specialists before moving forward with anything. So this chart was basically a summary of what will happen to you if you do not sign up for chiropractic care. Right away. He continued and told me yada yada about how things were misaligned, out of whack and cause for concern. After listening to all of this you would think that your body was just mis-formed in Play-Doh. Honestly - this guy could have convinced a knowledgeable person that your solar plexis is inebriated. Thankfully I was a bit more skeptical. The clincher is that in order to prevent further decay into the 'level whatever danger zone' I would have to be a regular (read: very regular) patient of his for 6-8 months at least. Nice guy, but the right thing to do for your body shouldn't be based on a sales pitch. Albeit one that employs scare tactics.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Sunday, July 29, 2007
110/60
I had a friend Daliah in high school who told me one day that she planned on having a triple major in college. She had always been ambitious, but this time I was just like - there's no way. I couldn't fathom that, though admittedly at that point I had only seen college pretty much from the movies and all the folklore around the common-day fireside gatherings known as the kitchen/dining room combo complete with smallish tv for family dining entertainment. But it seemed tough to me, outside of the Belushi keggers and Porky's parties...
How do you have time to go to class, do homework, study for mid-terms and finals, participate in extra-curriculars and maintain any semblance of a social life?
That's probably the quintessential thought every teenager in America thinks at some point while cursing the nature of how things are in the world. Fast-forward ten or so years later and then you have bills, rent/mortgage, health insurance letters every two weeks - the list goes on.
But people find ways.
I run into people who have such a busy career and then it turns out that they are also the head of some organization that you'd think by all the time required for their volunteer post would in itself be a full-time commitment. There's a lady at my office who works full-time with us and in talking to her I found out that she has a second job - not waiting tables or baby-sitting - but as an inventory manager at a grocery store. She wakes up three mornings each week to be at work at 4am for four hours before she commutes to our office. How?
In my case I'm fortunate enough not to have car payments or car insurance since, well, I don't have an automobile...nor do I have loans of any sort...but I do have shit that fills the air with so much to do in life. And I'm no executive flying Lear jets to make appointments in LA at 3 so I can catch the 5 o'clock flight to Shanghai. Yet. Taking one class - albeit a test prep course - is still a huge demand on my time and difficult to squeeze in with all the homework and the like.
Sometimes I look at my calendar and start jotting down girls' names to fill up the next week's schedule. A date each night is a fun thing. Mixes it up. You meet new people, have a good time, go out drinking every night. No downside. But then you can't neglect your friends and you want to hang out with your family and the new dog. And it's nice to see the same friend more than once a month...
And summer in Chicago is so explosive with the amount of things to do and concerts to go to and street festivals to attend and revel at/in/there (I'm supposed to know the correct idiom since I'm studying for the GMAT, forgive me).
Then you begin to lose yourself...
Now I need to concentrate on two things. G & G. No, not gundeons and gragons. Gym & GMAT. (Just for a slight un-necessary clarification: I was never, nor will ever be, one who participates in any Dungeons & Dragons game or similar kind of thing...While that is a solid, undoubted truth, I am noticing that though I need to concentrate on the G&G combo, this narrative is somehow sneaking a place into the craziness of the void that I am trying to null.)
Hopefully this G&G duo will be dynamic enough that they recycle each other. Meaning that after the gym I'll be fresh enough to study and in turn after studying I'll need a break to go to the gym. Sounds like it'll work. But so does nuclear fusion and I'm really not quite sure why we don't have ridiculously cheap power since I know they can make fusion happen. I'll let it slide for now - but remind me that I want to talk about energy matters another day. I'm sure I'll forget otherwise.
Taking all the stuff I have going on with my life (remember, I'm not the Lear jet flying exec and thus not assuming my load is any more difficult that anyone else's) there must be a point of reckoning. Where does it end? Where does it begin? I don't really know the answers to those questions. All I do know is that I keep accepting new things to add to my calendar whether that thing is a concert or a family engagement or something totally different. With all of the clutter in one's life, it becomes necessary to look beyond what is going on and sort out the necessary from all else. Of course concerts are fun and hell yeah I love to go to them. But I can't choose every concert every day. Then Mon - Weds is full and I still have more things to accomplish for the rest of the week.
It got to be so crazy that at some point in college or shortly thereafter I would create a word document I called 'Calendar of Events Because I Can't Remember Anything Anymore.' It was, and still is to the present day, a great way for me to organize my days and weeks on an easy-to-access piece of paper that is specially tailored to print seven columns for the days of the week and however many rows (weeks) that can fit on one side of an 81/2 x 11 inch piece of paper. It even prints with space on the bottom margin on which I can take notes on books/movies/wines I want to check out...My parents got me a nice Palm Pilot for my college graduation. I politely returned it and have been content with the bi-monthly print-outs. Sure my friends joke about it as something quirky I do. But man does it help! It's such a great reference tool.
I have great blood pressure, so says my md. But I think he would recommend a break from everything in life if he saw all of my wants piling on - you need to detox and save time for yourself. Rest, go to the park, don't over-commit. If it were money, I'd be doing well. These activities and things that I want to do are sort of compounding in the same way that money in a bank does. They add up pretty fast, give a pleasurable return, but end up being pretty taxing. If for nothing else, I need to sign up for a new account plan to ensure my sanity remains a healthy constant for my age and that the color of my hair remains the rich brown that I have always wanted girls to compliment me on.
How do you have time to go to class, do homework, study for mid-terms and finals, participate in extra-curriculars and maintain any semblance of a social life?
That's probably the quintessential thought every teenager in America thinks at some point while cursing the nature of how things are in the world. Fast-forward ten or so years later and then you have bills, rent/mortgage, health insurance letters every two weeks - the list goes on.
But people find ways.
I run into people who have such a busy career and then it turns out that they are also the head of some organization that you'd think by all the time required for their volunteer post would in itself be a full-time commitment. There's a lady at my office who works full-time with us and in talking to her I found out that she has a second job - not waiting tables or baby-sitting - but as an inventory manager at a grocery store. She wakes up three mornings each week to be at work at 4am for four hours before she commutes to our office. How?
In my case I'm fortunate enough not to have car payments or car insurance since, well, I don't have an automobile...nor do I have loans of any sort...but I do have shit that fills the air with so much to do in life. And I'm no executive flying Lear jets to make appointments in LA at 3 so I can catch the 5 o'clock flight to Shanghai. Yet. Taking one class - albeit a test prep course - is still a huge demand on my time and difficult to squeeze in with all the homework and the like.
Sometimes I look at my calendar and start jotting down girls' names to fill up the next week's schedule. A date each night is a fun thing. Mixes it up. You meet new people, have a good time, go out drinking every night. No downside. But then you can't neglect your friends and you want to hang out with your family and the new dog. And it's nice to see the same friend more than once a month...
And summer in Chicago is so explosive with the amount of things to do and concerts to go to and street festivals to attend and revel at/in/there (I'm supposed to know the correct idiom since I'm studying for the GMAT, forgive me).
Then you begin to lose yourself...
Now I need to concentrate on two things. G & G. No, not gundeons and gragons. Gym & GMAT. (Just for a slight un-necessary clarification: I was never, nor will ever be, one who participates in any Dungeons & Dragons game or similar kind of thing...While that is a solid, undoubted truth, I am noticing that though I need to concentrate on the G&G combo, this narrative is somehow sneaking a place into the craziness of the void that I am trying to null.)
Hopefully this G&G duo will be dynamic enough that they recycle each other. Meaning that after the gym I'll be fresh enough to study and in turn after studying I'll need a break to go to the gym. Sounds like it'll work. But so does nuclear fusion and I'm really not quite sure why we don't have ridiculously cheap power since I know they can make fusion happen. I'll let it slide for now - but remind me that I want to talk about energy matters another day. I'm sure I'll forget otherwise.
Taking all the stuff I have going on with my life (remember, I'm not the Lear jet flying exec and thus not assuming my load is any more difficult that anyone else's) there must be a point of reckoning. Where does it end? Where does it begin? I don't really know the answers to those questions. All I do know is that I keep accepting new things to add to my calendar whether that thing is a concert or a family engagement or something totally different. With all of the clutter in one's life, it becomes necessary to look beyond what is going on and sort out the necessary from all else. Of course concerts are fun and hell yeah I love to go to them. But I can't choose every concert every day. Then Mon - Weds is full and I still have more things to accomplish for the rest of the week.
It got to be so crazy that at some point in college or shortly thereafter I would create a word document I called 'Calendar of Events Because I Can't Remember Anything Anymore.' It was, and still is to the present day, a great way for me to organize my days and weeks on an easy-to-access piece of paper that is specially tailored to print seven columns for the days of the week and however many rows (weeks) that can fit on one side of an 81/2 x 11 inch piece of paper. It even prints with space on the bottom margin on which I can take notes on books/movies/wines I want to check out...My parents got me a nice Palm Pilot for my college graduation. I politely returned it and have been content with the bi-monthly print-outs. Sure my friends joke about it as something quirky I do. But man does it help! It's such a great reference tool.
I have great blood pressure, so says my md. But I think he would recommend a break from everything in life if he saw all of my wants piling on - you need to detox and save time for yourself. Rest, go to the park, don't over-commit. If it were money, I'd be doing well. These activities and things that I want to do are sort of compounding in the same way that money in a bank does. They add up pretty fast, give a pleasurable return, but end up being pretty taxing. If for nothing else, I need to sign up for a new account plan to ensure my sanity remains a healthy constant for my age and that the color of my hair remains the rich brown that I have always wanted girls to compliment me on.
hey, so hi
In this life you're bound to meet a lot of people day to day. Sometimes more than you can handle. Sometimes not enough. It's great to meet people (read: girls) in whatever way you can.
Through friends. At a bar. House parties are always a favorite. Sometimes a park. In line at the corner store. After experiencing the same crazy thing together. At different events. Weddings for sure. Not so much funerals, however this is probably an under-explored venue for such introductions. Just think: everyone there is sad that the dearly departed has departed and you all wish that you could hold that person that you love...if...only...you could find that special someone. Ala kazam! Sure it's the 'cry on my shoulder' technique, but no reason why it can't be applied. For many cultures funerals are a celebration of life. Jews tend to display their smorgasboard of chocolates, cream cheeses and salmon delicacies; Irish tend to re-confirm their taste to act out their displays with a few Guinness pints. So why not find that special lass with whom to celebrate this life?
Another way to find the love of your life, or night, is online. There are lots of online 'bars' from which to choose, depending on the lifestyle, or promotional offer, that appeals to you. LavaLife, True, Match, Jdate.
There are a lot of things that could be said about dating in general and also more specifically about experiences had with online dating. Just today, for instance, while waiting for a girl by the Belmont El station who I had only seen from a few plausibly similar thumbnail-sized pictures, thoughts of uneasiness and anxiety filled my head. Ooh - this one has a nice rack, but she kept walking on. Please no, please no, please no - was another thought as I saw a very short lady with an abnormally smushed-in face. Hmm, could she be a Vietnamese nail salon girl? Sure, of course it's terrible to make these judgements of [mostly] normal people who could definitely make their soulmate happy [or absolute value of happy]. But you have an expectation that is set by your imagination of what the reality of that person's pictures tell you. In essence, you imagine your blind date to be what you want her to be. It's crazy.
Since online dating can become a hobby of sorts, so too a language is developed to keep up with the addiction. 'The Service' is what the online network is referred to. Thus, a 'Service Girl' is a girl you are talking to/dating from The Service. Just some beginner lingo to become familiar with...
Something that is definitely overlooked as a genre of literature, or even while immersed in the dating world, is the reading of online dating profiles purely for the comedic pleasure that you can draw from them. So many girls write the same cliched phrases. What gets me is the anti-polarization factor. These same 'prospects' seem to have a fear of isolating possible mates and will therefore not take a grounded position on anything that they say. "I definitely enjoy doing x, but often just appreciate doing opposite of x."
So this is my take on writing a profile from a girl's perspective, as their online template seems to go...
Please note: This summary is pretty accurate, though will not contain the frequent grammatical or spelling mistakes often found in the aforedescribed profiles.
About Me
"Well let's see...my friends say I'm a great catch! I love going out for a fun night on the town, but also enjoy a cozy night on the couch and making it a Blockbuster night. I like the Bulls, Bears and the Cubs! Overall, I'm a huge Cubs fan! Family is extremely important to me! So it's important for me to find a guy who is close to his family as well.
I am (this will be like a choose your adventure novella - be sure to choose your stereotype wisely!) ...
A) a teacher and absolutely love what I do. I love being around kids and seeing the difference I make in their lives every day.
B) in school for a master's in social work and love Chicago in the summer.
C) in sales and love having a night out on the town. Just a warning to all you boys - I live by the motto work hard, play hard so if you want to contact me be sure you can keep up!
My Perfect First Date
Anything is fine with me. It's more the company than the place. You know it's a great time if sparks are flying and there are butterflies in your stomach. The night ends with the anticipation of a first kiss and you both look forward to a second date.
My Ideal Relationship
A) There is no ideal relationship. You just have to balance things and appreciate your time together. I don't play games, so if that's what you're looking for keep looking.
B) Where my boyfriend is my best friend. We have our own friends. He has game night with his boys and I have a night out with my girls. But in the end we can't wait to see each other and share our stories. One in which we trust each other and have good communication.
I am looking for a
Nice Jewish boy! I want someone who will compliment me in every way - someone who I can be proud to take home to my family. I want someone who knows where he is going with his career and who can teach me new things. He should be confident, but not cocky and know how to treat a lady. Extra points if you can make me laugh!
So you can definitely get a flavor for the flavorless girls who paint their aimless, bland portraits on the land of the internet in hopes of getting a free drink, meal or home. Jaded? Not at all. Take the cliche 'there are many fish in the sea.' Very true - it's just hard to swim through seaweed is my point. And these words above are accurate - it's what they write. So you have to find the few who don't use the online anti-polarization template and actually create something to tell you what they are like through words.
These are the Revolutionaries...
Through friends. At a bar. House parties are always a favorite. Sometimes a park. In line at the corner store. After experiencing the same crazy thing together. At different events. Weddings for sure. Not so much funerals, however this is probably an under-explored venue for such introductions. Just think: everyone there is sad that the dearly departed has departed and you all wish that you could hold that person that you love...if...only...you could find that special someone. Ala kazam! Sure it's the 'cry on my shoulder' technique, but no reason why it can't be applied. For many cultures funerals are a celebration of life. Jews tend to display their smorgasboard of chocolates, cream cheeses and salmon delicacies; Irish tend to re-confirm their taste to act out their displays with a few Guinness pints. So why not find that special lass with whom to celebrate this life?
Another way to find the love of your life, or night, is online. There are lots of online 'bars' from which to choose, depending on the lifestyle, or promotional offer, that appeals to you. LavaLife, True, Match, Jdate.
There are a lot of things that could be said about dating in general and also more specifically about experiences had with online dating. Just today, for instance, while waiting for a girl by the Belmont El station who I had only seen from a few plausibly similar thumbnail-sized pictures, thoughts of uneasiness and anxiety filled my head. Ooh - this one has a nice rack, but she kept walking on. Please no, please no, please no - was another thought as I saw a very short lady with an abnormally smushed-in face. Hmm, could she be a Vietnamese nail salon girl? Sure, of course it's terrible to make these judgements of [mostly] normal people who could definitely make their soulmate happy [or absolute value of happy]. But you have an expectation that is set by your imagination of what the reality of that person's pictures tell you. In essence, you imagine your blind date to be what you want her to be. It's crazy.
Since online dating can become a hobby of sorts, so too a language is developed to keep up with the addiction. 'The Service' is what the online network is referred to. Thus, a 'Service Girl' is a girl you are talking to/dating from The Service. Just some beginner lingo to become familiar with...
Something that is definitely overlooked as a genre of literature, or even while immersed in the dating world, is the reading of online dating profiles purely for the comedic pleasure that you can draw from them. So many girls write the same cliched phrases. What gets me is the anti-polarization factor. These same 'prospects' seem to have a fear of isolating possible mates and will therefore not take a grounded position on anything that they say. "I definitely enjoy doing x, but often just appreciate doing opposite of x."
So this is my take on writing a profile from a girl's perspective, as their online template seems to go...
Please note: This summary is pretty accurate, though will not contain the frequent grammatical or spelling mistakes often found in the aforedescribed profiles.
About Me
"Well let's see...my friends say I'm a great catch! I love going out for a fun night on the town, but also enjoy a cozy night on the couch and making it a Blockbuster night. I like the Bulls, Bears and the Cubs! Overall, I'm a huge Cubs fan! Family is extremely important to me! So it's important for me to find a guy who is close to his family as well.
I am (this will be like a choose your adventure novella - be sure to choose your stereotype wisely!) ...
A) a teacher and absolutely love what I do. I love being around kids and seeing the difference I make in their lives every day.
B) in school for a master's in social work and love Chicago in the summer.
C) in sales and love having a night out on the town. Just a warning to all you boys - I live by the motto work hard, play hard so if you want to contact me be sure you can keep up!
My Perfect First Date
Anything is fine with me. It's more the company than the place. You know it's a great time if sparks are flying and there are butterflies in your stomach. The night ends with the anticipation of a first kiss and you both look forward to a second date.
My Ideal Relationship
A) There is no ideal relationship. You just have to balance things and appreciate your time together. I don't play games, so if that's what you're looking for keep looking.
B) Where my boyfriend is my best friend. We have our own friends. He has game night with his boys and I have a night out with my girls. But in the end we can't wait to see each other and share our stories. One in which we trust each other and have good communication.
I am looking for a
Nice Jewish boy! I want someone who will compliment me in every way - someone who I can be proud to take home to my family. I want someone who knows where he is going with his career and who can teach me new things. He should be confident, but not cocky and know how to treat a lady. Extra points if you can make me laugh!
So you can definitely get a flavor for the flavorless girls who paint their aimless, bland portraits on the land of the internet in hopes of getting a free drink, meal or home. Jaded? Not at all. Take the cliche 'there are many fish in the sea.' Very true - it's just hard to swim through seaweed is my point. And these words above are accurate - it's what they write. So you have to find the few who don't use the online anti-polarization template and actually create something to tell you what they are like through words.
These are the Revolutionaries...
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